Chimney Sweep

The web is utilizing this Google app to be taught what artwork seems to be like them, so we tried it with athletes

The Google Arts & Culture app is sweeping social media as people rush to take their selfie and see if works of art look like them. It’s utterly pointless, seldom accurate, and often funny – which is why it’s perfect that we get a few athletes through this thing.

We’ll start it with LeBron James. Let’s see how the world’s most famous basketball player behaves in this app.

I mean the hairline is totally on point. The teeth also look accurate. It’s not exactly flattering, but I kind of see what they’re up to here.

If James is the Alpha, Tom Brady is the Omega. We will see famous goats with big names here.

Oh my god he’s a troll!

I’m not saying Touchdown Tom isn’t a handsome man, but there’s no denying that Google’s algorithms developed by Silicon Valley believe that he’s at least 44 percent a misshapen monster who lives under a bridge. That’s bizarre because Tom Brady’s terrible court sketch actually leads to something pretty.

Maybe something is due to this idea: the prettier you are in real life, the worse you are in the shape of Google Arts & Culture? Let’s take this to the limit.

The young diplomat will drop the 2018 fire album.

This pasty sack of meat is nothing compared to the modern hunk, Cristiano Ronaldo. So far checks the theory. If you put your photo through the tool and the result is ugly, you can be sure: you are beautiful.

Let’s try Nick Saban now, because why not?

Can we please all agree to call Saban “THE GUARDIAN OF THE DAMPERS” from now on? Sorry? You can make it my Christmas AND my birthday present. It’s like an inexpensive Alabama version of “THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS,” only these eggs can be hatched by sitting on them and not walking into the fire. OK, well, I know roosters don’t lay eggs. Get off my back

Will Kristaps Porzingis bring us a beautiful majestic unicorn?

Because of this, we can feel safe in our possible robot-controlled hell future. If they think a 7’0 athletic monster is a baby, we can slowly build a Latvian army that will overthrow the robots and cut them off from their battery supplies.

Aaron Judge is a chimney sweep. OK that’s perfect. Beautiful people are ugly according to computers, and giant people are children. We can still win this future war. Both Judge and Porzingis are young athletes. So let’s take a look at one of the old guardsmen. An old guard in the truest sense of the word.

There is some quality to this from Peter Stormare, but I have no doubt that this looks somehow accurate.

What did we learn from this experiment?

  1. Beautiful people make ugly art and vice versa.
  2. Robots don’t know the difference between 7’0 men and babies.
  3. Saban is “the keeper of the roofs”

What did we REALLY learn?

Nothing. And isn’t that really great art? Art for art’s sake.

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