Chimney Sweep

Reflections column – What’s so riveting in regards to the Winter Olympics?

Maybe it’s just me but what’s so riveting about the Winter Olympics?

Outside of ski jumping, slalom skiing, bobsled, luge and hockey, it’s either X Games on steroids or figure skating that’s more boring than watching ice melt.

And then there’s curling. It’s essentially shuffleboard on ice by people who look more like bowlers than athletes. big deal I’d much rather watch an Eskimo Pie eating contest. Don’t laugh. Much of the Winter Olympics menu is made-up novelty competitions.

The Winter Olympics were created to cut countries who are mostly frozen tundra a break because they’re terrible at real sports thanks to fields too slippery to practice on.

After all, when’s the last time a guy from Lapland quarterbacked in the Super Bowl or pitched in Game 7 of the World Series or won the Masters or reached the Wimbledon final? I rest my case.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, maybe it’s just me but is Joe Burrow the only reason the Cincinnati Bengals are in this year’s Grand Spectacle? The Bengals were the Bungles for about 317 years until they drafted this kid.

The Los Angeles Rams, who traded away all their future No. 1 draft picks into the next century just to stockpile this year’s team with superstars, are favored to win the Super Bowl.

So what? Even though Cincinnati’s offensive line couldn’t block a hat let alone that ferocious Los Angeles pass rush, destiny is riding on the rocket right arm of Burrow.

Only two quarterbacks have ever won a national championship in college and the Super Bowl. A couple of Joes in Namath with Alabama and the New York Jets and Montana with Notre Dame and the San Francisco 49ers.

FYI, Burrow won a national championship at LSU. Talk about an omen jumping up and slapping you in the face. Want to bet a cup of Joe on this Joe joining Namath and Montana in pulling off a college/pro championship tandem?

Maybe it’s just me but why doesn’t the Super Bowl halftime entertainment ever feature Snoop Dogg rapping Tennyson’s poetry about the British cavalry?

Maybe it’s just me but isn’t it way past time we stop making Americans file federal, state and local income taxes?

Just deduct the taxes from our paychecks and be done with it. I’ll gladly live without a tax return if you spare me the paperwork. Better yet, let our rich Uncle Sam automatically send all of us a healthy tax refund and let Joe Biden worry about inflation soaring like a Jeff Bezos rocket.

Maybe it’s just me but I found it hard to feel sorry for the folks at the Jersey shore who got buried up to their eyebrows in snow last weekend. How many times have we long-suffering folks in Berks County been entombed in an avalanche while the beachcombers only got rain?

Maybe it’s just me but did you ever notice that people who don’t sweat anything never have dehydrated spirits?

Maybe it’s just me but why do women need bedroom closets bigger than Japan?

Maybe it’s just me but did you ever notice that promise and fulfillment don’t always share the same zip code?

Maybe it’s just me but did you ever notice that the night becomes crowded with hostile voices and vices in hard, mean neighborhoods known to erupt in anarchy?

Maybe it’s just me but did you ever wonder why salesmen whose line is doorknobs never sell door to door?

Maybe it’s just me but did you ever feel an arctic wind shake a joist or beam loose in your spinal infrastructure?

Maybe it’s just me but did you ever notice that people whose ego is their personal chauffeur never seem to go anywhere?

Maybe it’s just me but do politicians ever get tired of pounding the pudding out of one another?

Maybe it’s just me but did you ever notice that guys with broad shoulders have trouble finding work as a chimney sweep?

Maybe it’s just me but did you ever notice that life has a darker side when viewed through the neon prism of a cocktail lounge?

Mike Zielinski, a resident of Berks County, is a columnist, novelist, playwright and screenwriter.

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