Hair of the Canine – Horrible, Silly, and Humorous Version (Texans/Colts)

It happened again. They lost to the Colts in mind-numbingly stupid fashion again. I mean at this point, I pretty much don’t care whether they win or lose because if they win, it doesn’t mean anything and if they lose we don’t even benefit from a higher draft position in the first two rounds of this year’s draft.

Let’s all say thank you to Bill O’Brien for this lump of coal in our stockings this Christmas. And remember, if you happen to run into him in the middle of the street or at the store or wherever, let him know just what you think of his tenure in Houston. I’m sure he’ll take the constructive criticism very well.

The most positive thing we can take away from this game, in my opinion, is that it gets us one week closer to the end of this nightmare of a season where we can begin the rebuilding process in earnest. We can get our new general manager (who will hopefully kick Jack Easterby to Neptune) and head coach who will give us all hope that he will make us all forget about the disastrous Bill O’Brien era.

Every game that goes by this season is another step closer to when we can start feeling optimism again. So let’s just muddle through this somehow.

Anyway, on that heartwarming note, let’s get to this week’s dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work.

And from all of us here at BRB, I hope y’all have a great Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa or whatever holiday you celebrate that I might be blanking on.

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Matt Weston at 12:00 PM

Today is the day Kahale gets his first catch I can feel IT

UprootedTexan at 12:01 PM

Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it to Kahale. Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

l4blitzer at 12:02 PM

Lost the coin toss…can’t even win that one…

UprootedTexan at 12:02 PM

Assuming The CHAD Hansen doesn’t take them all.

FIRST QUARTER

(Texans first possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:04 PM

Don’t let that somewhat successful DJ run fool you, this is going to be tough sledding.

l4blitzer at 12:04 PM

A YUUUGGGEEE CHUM!! That can’t last, can it?

Carlos Flores at 12:05 PM

That’s more like it.

3rd and 2, nobody open.

UprootedTexan at 12:07 PM

Yuck.

(Colts first possession)

l4blitzer at 12:09 PM

Derrick Henry padding the stats against the Lions

l4blitzer at 12:11 PM

Holiday brain

Carlos Flores at 12:13 PM

Get Whitney Mercilus off of this damn field.

l4blitzer at 12:13 PM

Can we press to have a running clock for the remaining Texans games this year?

Matt Weston at 12:14 PM

Eric Murray and Whitney Mercilus both missing tackles on the same run is the devil’s threesome

l4blitzer at 12:14 PM

So, the Texans D is playing to form then?

UprootedTexan at 12:15 PM

Well it’s not Playing-Against-The-Bears form, but the game is still early.

l4blitzer at 12:15 PM

True, but it seems like the team is getting there quickly

UprootedTexan at 12:16 PM

This isn’t so much a defense as it is a buttfense.

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 7-0)

Carlos Flores at 12:16 PM

Keion Crossen got dragged into the end zone.

They’re making Jonathan Taylor look like Saquan.

UprootedTexan at 12:16 PM

Buttfense! Buttfense! Buttfense!

l4blitzer at 12:17 PM

Well, Taylor did that a fair amount at Wisconsin…

Matt Weston at 12:17 PM

Taylor carried Crossen like a little baby

UprootedTexan at 12:17 PM

It’s gonna be a long game.

l4blitzer at 12:19 PM

Radio talking about interviews for GM…UT, did you schedule yours yet?

Carlos Flores at 12:20 PM

I’m definitely projecting, but Deshaun just seems joyless.

COUTEE SEASON

(Texans second possession)

Kenneth L. at 12:22 PM

i fell asleep (already) and am still in the first drive

i need to catch up

UprootedTexan at 12:22 PM

They refuse to speak to me. That’s why I needed a public outcry because they’re too afraid to go in a brave new direction for a better future.

l4blitzer at 12:22 PM

Titans competing with the Texans for worst D in the AFC South today.

l4blitzer at 12:23 PM

CHUMing works better with a power back…plus, the clock keeps moving

(Watson fumbles, Colts recover. Colts ball.)

(Colts second possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:23 PM

Watson fumble.

l4blitzer at 12:24 PM

Radio busted out a Hakeem reference…

Matt Weston at 12:24 PM

“They get away from the run too early in games”

Carlos Flores at 12:24 PM

DAMN SON, this is so damn ugly.

Matt Weston at 12:24 PM

The Texans are 32nd in run offense DVOA

Joe Critz at 12:24 PM

I won’t be able to feel pain today because i just finished my last final project yesterday and now i can enjoy christmas break

Carlos Flores at 12:24 PM

I heard that too Big Matt, what a ridiculous idea.

Joe Critz at 12:24 PM

well maybe some pain

i finally have the time to write texans articles again tho

l4blitzer at 12:25 PM

I guess holiday rules are in effect and we can start with the hard spirit medication, even this early

Carlos Flores at 12:26 PM

LOL DID A&M GET SNUBBED?!

It’s a Christmas miracle.

Matt Weston at 12:26 PM

I hate this offensive line with every cell that makes up my body

UprootedTexan at 12:26 PM

No idea, but I wouldn’t blink if they did because Notre Dame for some dumb[kitten] reason is special in college football.

l4blitzer at 12:27 PM

Detroit defensive back will now enter the witness protection program..

Or, the Texans will now sign him (just gave up a bad 75 yard TD)

UprootedTexan at 12:28 PM

Does he look tough, smart, and/or dependable?

Matt Weston at 12:28 PM

Tyrell Adams misses another tackle

l4blitzer at 12:28 PM

He didn’t fall down…but was made to look really stupid after the catch…”smart” enough for our secondary I think

Carlos Flores at 12:28 PM

LOL just saw that TD and Corey Davis was like a snake charmer.

Matt Weston at 12:28 PM

gotta love a 3 man rush to give the worst secondary in the league more time to flail at their own mortality

Joe Critz at 12:29 PM

funny days

Matt Weston at 12:29 PM

I wouldn’t be opposed to give Corey Davis a big contract to pair him with Fuller with

Cut Brandin Cooks because he’s not worth his contract and is completely underwheleming

Carlos Flores at 12:30 PM

What was that TD celebration?

UprootedTexan at 12:30 PM

Oh gawd, they just showed it here too, that’s embarrassing.

I’m a little surprised Hilton hasn’t gotten the call yet.

I assume it’s because Carlos started him.

l4blitzer at 12:30 PM

Don’t need to…Colts don’t want to rub it in.

Carlos Flores at 12:30 PM

EXACTLY!

bigfatdrunk at 12:31 PM

We should give Eric Murray an extension.

Matt Weston at 12:31 PM

Eric Murray is an atrocity

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 14-0)

l4blitzer at 12:31 PM

Like an extension to walk the plank? Sure.

Carlos Flores at 12:31 PM

BFD has had one too many boozy eggnogs.

UprootedTexan at 12:31 PM

Did the ghost pepper fumes get to your brain or something, BFD?

Matt Weston at 12:31 PM

Everything about this game sucks

UprootedTexan at 12:32 PM

Texans paid $20.25 million for that whiff.

Matt Weston at 12:34 PM

My new life focus is waging war against anyone who says Tyrell Adams is a future starting inside linebacker in Houston, him and his yanking [kitten] tackling style can leave forever.

l4blitzer at 12:34 PM

I feel like we are going to look back fondly on the defensive performance against the Bears by the time this game is over

Carlos Flores at 12:34 PM

Those first two games were interesting, but he has been absolutely [kitten] since.

UprootedTexan at 12:34 PM

Buttfense.

(Texans third possession)

Matt Weston at 12:36 PM

i would love to try and tackle David Johnson

Joe Critz at 12:36 PM

we’re really about to get embarrassed by phillip rivers

UprootedTexan at 12:36 PM

I bet it’s like tackling a bean bag chair.

Matt Weston at 12:37 PM

lol, an old horse made out of bean bags like something from an ancient arcade

Carlos Flores at 12:37 PM

We’re playing impostors, folks.

l4blitzer at 12:37 PM

But the seam in the chair breaks and you have to spend a lot money to clean up the mess

SECOND QUARTER

l4blitzer at 12:38 PM

So, the “Colts” are playing in Nashville and we are starting the 6th quarter against the Lions??? We got some Twilight Zone stuff going on here

UprootedTexan at 12:39 PM

BRB, off to trick the Texas AG into suing to nullify the results of today’s game based on this one tweet.

l4blitzer at 12:39 PM

Matt, IT HAPPENED!!! IT HAPPENED!!!

Carlos Flores at 12:39 PM

Dang, just overthrew Coutee there.

Joe Critz at 12:40 PM

oh my [Durga] it actually happened

UprootedTexan at 12:40 PM

Congratulations, Matt, Kahale Warring is no longer The Virgin. He’s still not The CHAD Hansen, though.

Warring is now a man.

Joe Critz at 12:41 PM

Marring

l4blitzer at 12:41 PM

The CHUM returns

Carlos Flores at 12:41 PM

Manning

l4blitzer at 12:42 PM

3 sacks already? I think the Oline will look fondly on the Bears game as well

UprootedTexan at 12:42 PM

I don’t know why, maybe it was my Wonderwall reference earlier today, but every time I hear Buddy Howell, I keep thinking of Weezer’s Buddy Holly.

Joe Critz at 12:43 PM

they’re just fully checked out

Matt Weston at 12:43 PM

[Durga] that was so beautiful

I love Kahale so much

he’s so hot

UprootedTexan at 12:44 PM

Oh [kitten], Tytus Howard is hurt.

l4blitzer at 12:44 PM

Now Howard’s injured? Great

UprootedTexan at 12:44 PM

I mean at this point it’s just a question of whether we’ll get through the season with 55 players on the roster.

l4blitzer at 12:47 PM

A win will be if we can hold to a field goal this drive.

UprootedTexan at 12:47 PM

Unrelated to anything but here’s my dinner from last night: Chicago deep dish pizza shipped from Chicago.

Matt Weston at 12:47 PM

Gotta love Lonnie talking [kitten] on a fair catch punt return. Never change Lonnie.

(Colts third possession)

l4blitzer at 12:47 PM

Hilton makes his first catch of the day.

Carlos Flores at 12:48 PM

Where is the cheese? WHERE IS THE CHEESE?

UprootedTexan at 12:48 PM

It’s under the sauce.

l4blitzer at 12:48 PM

Taylor having flashbacks to when Wisconsin would pound some MAC school right now

UprootedTexan at 12:49 PM

A thick layer of cheese is on the crust, then meat, then sauce.

Kenneth L. at 12:49 PM

yay charles

good for the kid

Matt Weston at 12:49 PM

I do like how Zach Cunningham’s du-rag has only gotten longer as the season progresses

Carlos Flores at 12:49 PM

HUH. That’s interesting. I’m going to have to try and find a Chicago style joint soon.

Kenneth L. at 12:49 PM

[Durga] i do not recognize this entire defense

Carlos Flores at 12:50 PM

Because this defense was lifted from a local high school JV squad.

Matt Weston at 12:50 PM

it pays to always work as a defensive lineman

l4blitzer at 12:50 PM

Did we…did we just get a stop?

UprootedTexan at 12:50 PM

Hey, a sack!

Kenneth L. at 12:50 PM

you know in these types of situations you have players step up

UprootedTexan at 12:51 PM

Just make sure it’s deep dish, because there’s also Chicago style thin crust which is nothing like this.

Kenneth L. at 12:51 PM

helps if you actually bring in talent instead of scrapping the bottom of the tub of hummus with your fingernails

(Texans fourth possession)

Kenneth L. at 12:54 PM

also why is Qvale in instead of both senio and max?

Carlos Flores at 12:54 PM

Because Mike Devlin sees something in him. I wish I had the glue he’s sniffing.

Kenneth L. at 12:55 PM

i hope that man has saved some money up

l4blitzer at 12:55 PM

Can’t execute a screen at all…

Kenneth L. at 12:55 PM

bc he may not get a job for a while

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

CHUM CHUM CHUM CHUM CHUM CHUM

Matt Weston at 12:55 PM

I’d listen to the argument that Darius Leonard is the best player in the AFC South

Joe Critz at 12:55 PM

no.

ever heard of rock ya-sin?

Kenneth L. at 12:56 PM

hahaha

UprootedTexan at 12:56 PM

Didn’t they play Budokan in ‘86?

bigfatdrunk at 12:57 PM

Well, obvs, this game ain’t on the air in Austin. Another reason to hate BOB.

(Watson throws to The CHAD Hansen for a touchdown. Colts lead 14-7)

Kenneth L. at 12:58 PM

CHAD HANSEN

Carlos Flores at 12:58 PM

CHAD hansen TD!

l4blitzer at 12:59 PM

Bah Gawd, that’s THE CHAD’S music !!!

Kenneth L. at 12:59 PM

i believe chad hansen and our boi Kahale Warring are best friends

just a stat

Joe Critz at 1:00 PM

lets go ladies!

UprootedTexan at 1:00 PM

The Virgin Kahale Warring gets his first catch this season vs. The CHAD Hansen scoring a touchdown.

Joe Critz at 1:00 PM

the lad hansen

Kenneth L. at 1:00 PM

watch us sign him to a 3 year, $45M contract next season

Matt Weston at 1:00 PM

chad hansen

Kenneth L. at 1:01 PM

because he’s smart, tough, and dependable

Carlos Flores at 1:01 PM

How many Murrays would that be, UT?

Matt Weston at 1:01 PM

Bill O’Brien made that playcall for Tim Kelly. First down cover 3 to stop the run. Full house yankee crosser and chad is wide open.

l4blitzer at 1:01 PM

If Warring gets a TD this game, I’ll place 5-2 odds that Matt’s soul will explode due to sheer excitement…

UprootedTexan at 1:01 PM

Hell, he might be worth the money. Not now, obviously, but he may eventually get to the point where that would be a bargain.

bigfatdrunk at 1:01 PM

Am I the only one who thinks that having a WR named “Chad” is…awkward?

Carlos Flores at 1:03 PM

Why?

UprootedTexan at 1:03 PM

CHAD Hansen is .007 Murray Units.

(Colts fourth possession)

Kenneth L. at 1:03 PM

i think so BFD

l4blitzer at 1:03 PM

Colts a tad worried, so back to Hilton

UprootedTexan at 1:05 PM

Nice tackle by Cunningham there.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

bigfatdrunk at 1:07 PM

FINE.

Carlos Flores at 1:07 PM

Thank goodness Trey Burton let that one go.

Kenneth L. at 1:08 PM

yikes

Carlos Flores at 1:08 PM

Philip Rivers is all of us.

bigfatdrunk at 1:08 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Kenneth L. at 1:08 PM

you have eight kids carlos?

l4blitzer at 1:08 PM

You would think he is a Texans fan with that reaction

Carlos Flores at 1:08 PM

LMFAO

UprootedTexan at 1:09 PM

LOLOLOLOL

Kenneth L. at 1:09 PM

some tiny little arms for a professional QB

Carlos Flores at 1:09 PM

Imagine trying to provide for that circus.

Kenneth L. at 1:09 PM

wrists of a 14 year old girl

(Texans fifth possession)

UprootedTexan at 1:09 PM

Stop dicking around Coutee and get back to the line.

Kenneth L. at 1:12 PM

i think if we played the jags next week we’d lose. Thoughts?

l4blitzer at 1:12 PM

No, no,no Watson, ya see, ya supposed to make a positive play on a free play…

Carlos Flores at 1:12 PM

Jordan Akins sighting.

Hmm, I think we could still go punch for punch with the glitter kitties.

UprootedTexan at 1:13 PM

I think we’d still win, I don’t think it’d be a particularly convincing one though.

l4blitzer at 1:13 PM

See: our last game against them

Carlos Flores at 1:14 PM

Tytus has a concussion.

UprootedTexan at 1:14 PM

Welp, I guess we’re not seeing him for a few games.

Throw it to CHAD Hansen!

Carlos Flores at 1:15 PM

The only reason DJ got that first down was because the Colts thought we weren’t dumb enough to CHUM with this amount of time left.

l4blitzer at 1:15 PM

A somewhat effective CHUM…strange game here…

Outsmarting them by stupidity

Matt Weston at 1:17 PM

I can’t wait for when we can finally all admit Rock Ya-Sin is a bust

Carlos Flores at 1:18 PM

Idk, you never give up on those kind of guys. I mean, just look at Vernon Hargreaves!

(Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal is good. Colts lead 14-10.)

(Colts receive second half kickoff.)

l4blitzer at 1:19 PM

Got nothing to lose…fake field goal for TD…come on!

UprootedTexan at 1:19 PM

The year is 2096, the earth’s oceans have all boiled away, roving bands of human-octopus hybrids roam the land looking for resources and Vernon Hargreaves is still somehow a starting DB for the Houston Texans.

Matt Weston at 1:19 PM

COWARDS

HALFTIME REACTIONS

bigfatdrunk at 1:21 PM

I want battle pay for watching this trash.

l4blitzer at 1:24 PM

This game is getting a little interesting, but honestly, I just want the teams to go to a running clock. If we can limit the Colts to just 6 total sacks, it will be a miracle.

Matt Weston at 1:24 PM

I want that Kyle McNair UBI

Carlos Flores at 1:25 PM

This team is the equivalent of getting a UTI.

Matt Weston at 1:25 PM

the 2020 texans gave me HSV1

UprootedTexan at 1:26 PM

If I am drafted to be the Texans next GM, I will lobby hard to get a Houston Texans job guarantee for all fans with a regular, reliable salary. It’s good for fans and the economy!

l4blitzer at 1:29 PM

Atlanta is up 17-0 on Tampa Bay. That’s a sure sign of an ATL victory, right?

Matt Weston at 1:30 PM

ATL is 100% going to lose that one lol

UprootedTexan at 1:30 PM

Nothing bad has ever happened when Atlanta gets a big lead early.

l4blitzer at 1:31 PM

Especially against a Tom Brady QB’d team in a domed stadium…

Joe Critz at 1:31 PM

wow

it literally is almost exact copy of the super bowl lead haha

well they gotta win now

one of these days my texans are gonna get organized!

THIRD QUARTER

(Colts fifth possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:36 PM

Jacob Martin whiffed on a potential stop.

Joe Critz at 1:36 PM

not my boy

Carlos Flores at 1:37 PM

Has Taylor crossed the century mark yet? It’s there for the taking.

l4blitzer at 1:37 PM

The locker room adjustments not paying off at this time …

For the Texans D. For the Colts, they checked Google and saw, oh, the Texans suck against the run…let’s try that

bigfatdrunk at 1:38 PM

I knew this D would be bad, but yeesh.

Also, AJ Moore with the Tyrann move there: gives up an 8 yard run and celebrates the tackle.

UprootedTexan at 1:39 PM

Mrs. UT is listening to Greg Gumbel and Rich Gannon gushing over the Colts and she, a non-Texans fan, is about to throw up.

Carlos Flores at 1:39 PM

Well, I was expecting PA but not from Brissett lol.

UprootedTexan at 1:40 PM

You see, BFD, it may have been an 8 yard run, but at least it wasn’t 9 yards. That’s something to celebrate. Or something.

l4blitzer at 1:40 PM

Colts missed an open Hilton at the end zone? Are they trying to manipulate the spread?

UprootedTexan at 1:40 PM

Why is MouthEyes not under center now?

Carlos Flores at 1:41 PM

No, they’re dunking on me for starting him.

Matt Weston at 1:42 PM

The Colts are a first round playoff exit

bigfatdrunk at 1:42 PM

I think so, Big Matt.

(Colts field goal. Colts lead 17-10.)

Joe Critz at 1:43 PM

idk depends if they’re playing the browns or not

Matt Weston at 1:43 PM

I think CLE or BAL would take them down

Joe Critz at 1:43 PM

or if they’re offense shows up like it did against green bay

not sure about cle beating them, browns’ defense is seriously bad

all baker needs to do is turnover the ball once and they probably lose that game

like what happened against baltimore last week

i just hope we see some jacob eason next year i wanna see what he has

(Texans sixth possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:44 PM

Not a bad little return by Scottie Phillips!

UprootedTexan at 1:45 PM

Watching that Geico “clogging problem” ad, why the hell are they eating just plain spaghetti while also washing the dishes?! It’s [kitten]ing confusing.

bigfatdrunk at 1:45 PM

I’m so done with those commercials.

l4blitzer at 1:47 PM

Johnson not a great back, but Texans’ penalties not helping

Carlos Flores at 1:47 PM

Is Coutee playing flag football? He’s got a huge tail behind him.

Matt Weston at 1:48 PM

He’s like a Ninja Turtle

Joe Critz at 1:49 PM

fursona

Carlos Flores at 1:49 PM

Oh [Durga], Joe.

Joe Critz at 1:49 PM

HA

UprootedTexan at 1:49 PM

Oh no.

Now we’re gonna get THOSE comments.

bigfatdrunk at 1:49 PM

AWESOME.

Joe Critz at 1:50 PM

we are the team that has an angry red and blue bull as its mascot

UprootedTexan at 1:51 PM

Sports mascot furry culture is a subreddit somewhere, I just know it.

And it terrifies me.

l4blitzer at 1:51 PM

DJ doing work as a receiver…go figure

bigfatdrunk at 1:51 PM

Nice move by DJ there.

UprootedTexan at 1:52 PM

Option!

Carlos Flores at 1:52 PM

Scottie Phillips snaps!

UprootedTexan at 1:53 PM

Should’ve thrown it to The CHAD.

Matt Weston at 1:53 PM

I was laughing pretty hard to myself earlier this week thinking about two people who have been together for a year, and one of them comes out as a furry, and shows their true self by wallowing out in a giant purple fox costume

Joe Critz at 1:53 PM

okay so i know we have the whole hansen vs. warring debate but chad hansen totally still plays clash of clans religiously on his old [kitten] android

l4blitzer at 1:53 PM

Are the Texans making this a game?

Joe Critz at 1:54 PM

LMAO

Matt Weston at 1:54 PM

Scottie Philips is a tank

UprootedTexan at 1:54 PM

Kahale Warring still plays Angry Birds.

Carlos Flores at 1:54 PM

I can imagine the lead up to the reveal as “ok, I’m going to show you something, but DON’T LAUGH”.

l4blitzer at 1:55 PM

Detroit just had a successful TE jet sweep overturned…seems like a metaphor or something?

UprootedTexan at 1:57 PM

That’s three Texans/Titans mixups in one game. Even for these [kitten]s that’s a lot.

Matt Weston at 1:58 PM

alright that’s it UT

I’ve had enough of it

l4blitzer at 1:58 PM

Two syllable team names that start with T give Gannon all sorts of problems…

Joe Critz at 1:59 PM

he’s about to whip that card out about when to go for 2 and use it to justify screwing up the names

(Ka’imi Fairbairn banks a 31-yard field goal. Colts lead 17-13.)

Carlos Flores at 1:59 PM

Fairbairn doing his best Cody Parkey impression.

l4blitzer at 1:59 PM

DJ reverting back to form

bigfatdrunk at 1:59 PM

COWARDS.

l4blitzer at 1:59 PM

Did Fairbairn call bank?

bigfatdrunk at 2:00 PM

No. That’s an “H.”

(Colts sixth possession)

UprootedTexan at 2:00 PM

Fight me, Big Matt.

LOL, they still have that “AFC Finalist” banner up in Indy!

bigfatdrunk at 2:03 PM

OMG.

FOURTH QUARTER

Carlos Flores at 2:05 PM

Remember when Texans fans complained that Bill O’Brien could just win the division and maybe a wild card game and nothing more? That was last season. Winning the AFC South again would look pretty good compared to this pathetic performance.

— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) December 20, 2020

Any ideas on why you’d still slob on BOB’s knob post-mortem?

UprootedTexan at 2:06 PM

[Kitten], I remember when Pancakes was [kitten]ing on BOB just like the rest of us.

Matt Weston at 2:06 PM

John has gone too far

l4blitzer at 2:07 PM

Must have just gotten BO’B’s Xmas card…felt he had to say something nice

UprootedTexan at 2:08 PM

Pancakes parks his car in neutral at red lights, regardless of whether he’s on a hill or not.

Carlos Flores at 2:08 PM

Lonnie made the tackle that Carlos Watkins couldn’t.

LOL

bigfatdrunk at 2:08 PM

Remember when BOB mortgaged the future of the Texans and the defense to create a middling offense and nothing more? That was last season.

Having a decent defense again would look pretty good compared to this pathetic performance. https://t.co/VUes3HZhkQ

— bfd is comin’ down your chimney, baybee! (@bigfatdrunk) December 20, 2020

l4blitzer at 2:09 PM

Hey, maybe Lonnie can line up a Dline…couldn’t do any worse than at DB…

Carlos Flores at 2:09 PM

I’m imaging John McClain dressed as a giant baby in his car, flying down a San Francisco hill with flames shooting out the back.

OWN THAT FREAK, BFD!

UprootedTexan at 2:10 PM

Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a Texans defense comprised of players who have arms and know how to use them.

Yours,

UT

(Colts field goal. Colts lead 20-13)

(Texans seventh possession)

bigfatdrunk at 2:11 PM

I’m the one who gave McClain the nickname “Pancakes.” I damn well know he knows who I am.

Carlos Flores at 2:14 PM

I can imagine he has utter disdain for anyone else interested in the team except himself lol.

It really doesn’t feel like we’re only a score down.

UprootedTexan at 2:15 PM

I’m just surprised he gives a [kitten] about the Texans, I thought he abandoned the team in favor of the BESFs years ago.

Carlos Flores at 2:16 PM

LOOK AT BROWN BLOCKING!

Best blocking TE we’ve ever had.

bigfatdrunk at 2:16 PM

LOL at this team thinking it can gain a yard on the run.

UprootedTexan at 2:16 PM

Oh bless your heart, David Johnson.

bigfatdrunk at 2:16 PM

* not by the QB, I should add.

l4blitzer at 2:17 PM

Good grief…I feel like we do better on 3rd and medium vs. 3rd and short…at least we got this 4th down

Matt Weston at 2:17 PM

Brown is the best blocking tight end in texans franchise history, amen

l4blitzer at 2:17 PM

Two for Warring…Matt is going crazy!!!

bigfatdrunk at 2:17 PM

KAHALE!!!!

Carlos Flores at 2:17 PM

LOL JUSTIN JEFFERSON JUST SAID [KITTEN] KIRK ON A MIC

bigfatdrunk at 2:17 PM

LOLOLOLOLOL!

Carlos Flores at 2:18 PM

UprootedTexan at 2:18 PM

Okay, that wasn’t bad by Warring. Still got a long way to go to match The CHAD though.

(Watson to Coutee for the touchdown! Game tied 20-20!)

Carlos Flores at 2:19 PM

COUTEE TOUCHDOWN!

bigfatdrunk at 2:19 PM

WHOA.

Matt Weston at 2:20 PM

WOOOOOOO

l4blitzer at 2:20 PM

As Hilton is to us, Coutee is to the Colts.

bigfatdrunk at 2:20 PM

DAMN! COUTEE!

Joe Critz at 2:20 PM

LETS GO

UprootedTexan at 2:20 PM

We got us a ballgame, y’all!

l4blitzer at 2:20 PM

Ponies really gotta be ticked that they are letting us hang around.

UprootedTexan at 2:20 PM

Again.

Matt Weston at 2:21 PM

[Kitten] I hate the Colts

UprootedTexan at 2:21 PM

Oh wow, they played Chamillionaire for the bump music. That’s H-Town as hell right there.

l4blitzer at 2:22 PM

Tannehill with a great read option fake, but a super lame TD celebration

The lockdown corner that is Vernon Hargreaves

(Colts seventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:25 PM

Something about leaving TE’s open.

UprootedTexan at 2:25 PM

Re: Hargreaves:

l4blitzer at 2:26 PM

Being close to TEs is a sin in the Book of Easterby…

UprootedTexan at 2:27 PM

And the Texans defense is back to its old self.

Carlos Flores at 2:27 PM

It Henry’s hair is a turd, Cunningham’s rag is a squirt.

bigfatdrunk at 2:27 PM

@l4: It’s the 4th commandment.

UprootedTexan at 2:28 PM

That’s just gross, Carlos. I mean really, this is a classy establishment we run here.

::looks around::

Who said that?

Matt Weston at 2:29 PM

How high do you think Martin snaps the ball over Watson’s head

Carlos Flores at 2:29 PM

Lol fair enough. I’m just glad that he wrapped up on that tackle.

bigfatdrunk at 2:29 PM

Their offensive line just ate our defensive line alive.

l4blitzer at 2:30 PM

Fast moving 4th…cool

UprootedTexan at 2:31 PM

Don’t mind me, I’m just watching DK Metcalf making a stupid catch and realizing we took Tytus Howard and Max Scharping instead of him.

Carlos Flores at 2:31 PM

Well, there’s Hilton. Took him long enough.

l4blitzer at 2:31 PM

But DK Metcalf wasn’t Smart, Tough and Dependable.

Carlos Flores at 2:32 PM

He’s just Big, Strong, and Fast. What use is there for that in football?

bigfatdrunk at 2:32 PM

Anybody else smell toast?

Matt Weston at 2:32 PM

[KITTEN] LONNIE JOHNSON DEEP MIDDLE

[Durga] [kitten]it!!!!

UprootedTexan at 2:32 PM

Oh yeah, we took Lonnie Johnson over Metcalf too.

Carlos Flores at 2:33 PM

It smells like grass, BFD. I finished The Sopranos not too long ago and I think it’s in my top 3 shows.

l4blitzer at 2:33 PM

Of course, had you not started Hilton, Carlos, he would’ve scored the TD

UprootedTexan at 2:33 PM

I don’t smell it, but I do see it on my computer. And it’s wearing a Texans jersey.

Matt Weston at 2:34 PM

I can’t wait to watch the Sopranos again. Him murdering (SPOILER), driving out to the desert, banging his friend’s old friend, and eating peyote is my favorite episode.

UprootedTexan at 2:35 PM

I’ve been watching more realistic television programs. Like Lucifer.

Carlos Flores at 2:36 PM

I understood your banner after watching it! His gambling luck turned around too. I wonder how much those chips were worth.

l4blitzer at 2:36 PM

Hmmmm. TB is within 3 against ATL in the 4th…seems kinda extraordinary.

Matt Weston at 2:37 PM

I’m a sucker of anything where someone is in the desert crying or going I FOUND IT

Carlos Flores at 2:38 PM

Brady will continue to own Atlanta in perpetuity.

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 27-20)

Carlos Flores at 2:38 PM

I watched Hargreaves that entire play because of course they were going to exploit him. [Kitten]ing TRASH.

Matt Weston at 2:39 PM

If y’all want to know how the BRB Fantasy championship is going I’m up by Luke by 1 point with Kamara, Mahomes, and Sorensen this afternoon

bigfatdrunk at 2:39 PM

HAHAHAAHA! Pascal yelled “Suck it, kitten!” at Hargreaves after the play.

Carlos Flores at 2:40 PM

LOL NO WAY!

UprootedTexan at 2:40 PM

The only thing missing was him doing the Marshawn Lynch grabbing his crotch as he scored.

l4blitzer at 2:40 PM

We gotta go for two on this one…no OT please…

UprootedTexan at 2:41 PM

I’d settle for Nick Martin not [kitten]ing up the snap at the end of the game again.

l4blitzer at 2:42 PM

Nah, he’s learned his lesson. Now on the conversion…different story

(Texans eighth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:43 PM

Falcons have officially lost their lead.

UprootedTexan at 2:43 PM

GASP!

Carlos Flores at 2:43 PM

YES LATE HIT PENALTY!

UprootedTexan at 2:44 PM

GASP AND SURPRISE!

Carlos Flores at 2:44 PM

pikachu shocked face

bigfatdrunk at 2:44 PM

What a stupid freaking penalty.

Carlos Flores at 2:45 PM

Phew, Cooks barely got his feet down

This is the DJ that I can subscribe to.

l4blitzer at 2:46 PM

Ponies do realize we have nothing to play for and aren’t real good, right?

Matt Weston at 2:46 PM

Brandin Cooks is so good at getting two feet in because of his little feet

bigfatdrunk at 2:46 PM

So, in what heartbreaking fashion do we lose this game?

Carlos Flores at 2:47 PM

However it happens, it’ll be funny.

UprootedTexan at 2:47 PM

He really does have itty bitty feet doesn’t he?

Carlos Flores at 2:47 PM

Death by penalty lol

l4blitzer at 2:47 PM

INT on the 2pt conversion that the Colts run back for 2pts

UprootedTexan at 2:47 PM

Imagine the most terrible, dumb, and funny way it could happen and that’s your answer.

Carlos Flores at 2:47 PM

Death penalty.

(Keke Coutee fumbles the ball into the end zone. Colts recover for a touchback. Colts ball.)

(Colts eighth possession)

l4blitzer at 2:48 PM

…and we wonder how we could be 4-9 with this team?

Carlos Flores at 2:49 PM

Well, it was funny.

That’s actually very, very funny. Representative of this franchise lol. So close, but still so incredibly far.

bigfatdrunk at 2:50 PM

It DID turn out to be funny. I’ll be damned.

UprootedTexan at 2:51 PM

LOLOLOL, THERE’S YOUR DUMB, FUNNY, AND TERRIBLE ENDING Y’ALL!

l4blitzer at 2:51 PM

HI-Larious…almost as gooder as the DJ fumble against GB…

Matt Weston at 2:51 PM

HAHAHAHAH OMFG

FINAL SCORE TEXANS 20 – COLTS 27

l4blitzer at 2:52 PM

Doghouse reservation for Coutee…your usual suite is ready.

Carlos Flores at 2:52 PM

All you can do is laugh. Like, there’s no anger or frustration because it’s so goofy lol.

He rebuilt the doghouse in BOB’s name.

Matt Weston at 2:53 PM

[Kitten] I love this team

Let’s try something different, y’all tell me who should get the game balls this week instead of me telling you. It’s more democratic this way.