Chimney Sweep

‘Conversion remedy made me wish to die – however now I am pleased and proud to be homosexual’

Ex-Pastor Joel Barrett was just a kid when he realized he was different.

“I have memories of thinking about boys when I was four and five years old. There was a boy in my class who had olive skin and dark hair and I fell in love with him, ”Joel, 55, told The Mirror.

It was only when Joel of the United States reached puberty that he began to understand his feelings – he was attracted to boys.

But being gay was not part of Joel’s conservative Baptist upbringing, and he was brought up to believe that homosexuality was a sin.

The father of three described his church as a little less extreme in its faith than the Westboro Baptist Church – which is known to stake the funerals of fallen soldiers and celebrate human tragedy as a gift from God.

Joel, on Instagram as @Joelspeaksout, went through decades of turmoil trying to hide his sexuality
(

Picture:

Joel Barrett)

“Everything I’ve heard about homosexuality was horrific growing up. I heard preachers standing in the pulpit shouting that all gays should be shipped to an island, infected and let die.

“There has been a lot of ridicule of female men trying to scare you,” he said.

Instead of facing his feelings, Joel suppressed his sexuality and rushed into worship.

“Most people thought I was godly, but I knew if they ever found out I was gay, that would change immediately. So I started this cycle of hiding and burying the truth. “

The hell of the widow’s loneliness after battling cancer during lockdown after husband’s death Daddy’s double life as a gambling addict with £ 500,000 in debt uncovered by a life-changing phone call

Over the years, Joel told himself that his feelings would go away when he reached his next goal, such as going to Bible school or meeting a girl.

When he was 23 years old, Joel walked down the altar and married a woman.

“It was the next ‘right’ thing to do. I didn’t knowingly deceive anyone, but I thought that was what I should be doing – find a good Christian wife.

“But nothing has changed in me. I was like, ‘Wow, now I’m married and I have these feelings,’ ”he said.

At 23, Joel married and raised a family in the hopes that his feelings for men would go away
(

Picture:

Joel Barrett)

While embarking on married life and pursuing a career in the Church as a pastor, Joel described a life of constant feelings of fear and shame “while hiding his sexuality.

To cope with his secret, he started ‘cruising’ – finding sex and intimacy with other men in parks and other public spaces.

“It was a quick fix and I was immediately full of guilt and fear. It meant that someone actually knew I was gay and I was worried that they would show up in my real life. “

From then on, every Sunday when Joel went to the church platform to speak to 500 people, he would scan the audience to see if there were any men he was intimate with.

Joel became a pastor and preached to hundreds of people every Sunday
(

Picture:

Joel Barrett)

But one day after moving to another state, Joel encountered another cruiser who took him twice.

“When I got into the vehicle, I saw him and felt like I was looking in the mirror. I just thought: ‘He is you’. “

After that meeting, Joel decided to undergo conversion therapy.

Although his experience wasn’t comparable to the violent portrayals in films, Joel says the next few years were the darkest of his life.

“I wanted to die. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I wanted someone else to kill me.

“IVF gave me my miracle baby, but the pain caused me to be tied to the bed with uncontrollable anger”

“I saw counselors and told them every dark secret for three years. No one has ever thrown the Bible over to me, but they asked questions like whether I had an arrogant mother or an absent father, ”he explained.

“None of this is based on any kind of science. It is mainly based on belief. “

In a description of the therapy on his website, Joel wrote: “I went to individual and group counseling, went to retreats, read the books, went to conferences, listened to the speakers, fought evil spirits with the counselor, cried and prayed like never before in my life.”

Yet after three years of “talking and praying”, Joel made no progress and became frustrated.

Joel tried to fight his sexuality for years but now lives happily and openly as a gay man and wants to bridge a gap between the LGBTQ + community and the Church
(

Picture:

Joel Barrett)

“I asked my counselor to put me in touch with some people who were successful after therapy. But he said no.

“He told me that if they talked to me, everyone was either ashamed of needing the counseling in the first place or too afraid of relapsing.”

After sending himself through Hell for three years and now 36 years old, he realized something. He was gay and that wasn’t going to change.

Despite his relief that he was no longer keeping the secret, he then went through the riot of telling his wife he was gay and ending the marriage.

Joel speaks at conferences and events to share his story and encourage others to happily live the way they are
(

Picture:

Joel Barrett)

“Going through the divorce was like admitting failure,” he said, adding that it was difficult to navigate life as an openly gay man.

“I knew I was gay, but I didn’t know what it was like.”

As part of the process, Joel stopped going to church – another big change in his life.

“I had to clear the rubble of 36 years of my life and fight. I realized that I had to get rid of that before I could build up again. “

Over time, Joel met his current husband, David Seymour.

Joel and David have been happily married for 15 years
(

Picture:

Aaron Burson)

“I went out with a couple of guys shortly after I came out and went through a kind of ‘gay puberty’,” he joked.

But after meeting David, Joel knew it was time to settle down.

“That was perfect timing. I always told David he was my breath of fresh air, ”said Joel.

Meanwhile, Joel’s three children were approaching their teens and he decided to introduce them to David.

“They were difficult to drive on, but gradually David just became a part of their lives. They always understood him and saw him as a friend, ”he said.

Joel describes his loving husband David as a “breath of fresh air” and has dedicated his book to him
(

Picture:

Aaron Burson)

Now, almost 20 years after coming out, Joel is still happily married to David. He wrote about his experience in a book called Godly … But Gay, which is dedicated to his husband.

On Instagram as @Joelspeaksout he works as a motivational coach who helps others through difficult times and is happy with who he is. He also says he wants to bridge the gap between some religions and the LGBTQ + community.

“My belief is personal. I am not an anti-religion, and if you are part of a denomination that makes you a better person then keep doing it.

“But if you’re part of a spiritual community that tells you you’re broken, get out,” he warned.

“I believe in the power of storytelling and tell my story because it humanizes my experience. Growing up, the only images I had in my head of LGBTQ people were people in San Francisco dancing half-naked in the street.

“It’s easy to see people as ‘others’, but when we tell these stories we can see ourselves as people.”

Godly … But Gay is out now and can be bought on Amazon

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to top button