We all know Santa Claus as a “real jolly old elf,” but the man carries a well-stocked bag full of regrets.
He sat down with me recently to list some of the ways he wished his life had been different.
“I don’t regret real estate company Island of Misfit Toys per se, but I hate that we used an old nuclear test site. I’m cool with a water gun that shoots jelly – but not radioactive jelly. “
“I wish I had found a better managing director to protect my brand. My friends have good managers. You never hear of anyone playing Secret Tooth Fairy or Dirty Easter Bunny. “
“I’m sorry I quit my summer job as Whitebeard the Pirate. Granted, it has always been difficult to make the seasonal shift from 15 men on a dead man’s chest to 15 brats playing with the boxes instead of the toys. “
“Rudolph is great, but I would have been happy with one of those leg lamps from ‘A Christmas Story’ to guide my sleigh. Hubba Hubba. “
“I’m sorry I won’t bring up the chimney when I put a finger next to my nose. It just messes up my sinuses. And most of my pre-existing conditions already exist with the insurance company! “
“I’m sorry about the coal mine collapsing prematurely, but those hooligans in the Bronx really deserved a few lumps in their stockings this year.”
“I wish I had prescribed my OCD medication before everyone expected me to make a list and double-check.”
“I’m sorry I skipped all of these seminars and didn’t maintain my accreditation. My Uber bill is killing me. “
“I wish I hadn’t unleashed an exorcist on my visitors before realizing that they are just the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. The future, however, was ahead. “
“I’m sorry I didn’t get Mrs. Claus to sign this preliminary contract. It’s bad enough that my entire fortune is frozen. but she gets half of it when things go south. “
“Sure, the NFL is finally looking into the effects of soccer players, but nobody cares about the effects of beloved childhood characters clashing with Bert the chimney sweep.”
“I’m sorry I made a commitment to deliver toys to every child in the world in a single night. Actually, I should have set up a recorded message like “Your call is very important to us”. All of our little old drivers who are so lively and fast are busy with other customers right now. Please stay on the line until April, you little … ‘”
“The whole thing right on Santa Claus Lane was pretty selfish. At least it’s not the funny green giant’s valley. Come on and think about it, my manager let him tear down the Ho-Ho-Ho line. “
“I’m sorry I got caught up in the reason for the season debate. Bad planning. No cribs in August. I used to smoke a lot of camels, but I’ve become a wiser man … “
“I wish I could take an inconspicuous trip from the North Pole to a community without Springsteen babbling, ‘Saaaaanta Claus is coming to town!”
“My greatest regret? I’m really baffled by that one kid on my lap that I traumatized by saying, “Sure, I remember when your parents were kids … long before they were adopted … um … I mean, long before they conceived you the usual way, which means … I mean, your parents? Come on and think about it, Jack Frost replaced me on this route … “
Danny Tyree welcomes email replies to email@example.com and visits his Facebook fan page, Tyree’s Tyrades.