America’s Crappy Plumbers, Bloomin’ Terrible Florists, and Soiled Cleansing Corporations
(Photo: Bruce Ryan (Sherwood Florist); Aaron Harris (The Perennial Gardener): Kelly (Eufloria); Steven Lemaster (Bokay))
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A person’s home is their lock – and as anyone who has ever owned one knows, even metaphorical locks need plenty of very real maintenance. Fortunately, there are armies of dedicated plumbers, housekeepers, and florists ready to provide the best of service all over America. The kind that gets into the ribs with a smile and a linguistic nudge.
Each of these hospitable pun-loving subgenres have their own distinctive movements. Florists are pretty much all show-offs (“Flower herb“? For real?). Those who specialize in sewage, dirt, and other facts of life tend to choose one of two pun-pathways – they either indulge in their chosen materials (see: Chimney sweep with ash wiping; The Butt Hut Comfort Stations) or increase it (A royal flush; Wide beauty). And several service companies got names straight from bad pornography (College hunks haul junk, everyone?)
(Photo: Michael Keys)
Here’s what you should know about this new breed of house pest:
– A foray into the home service industry is surprisingly full of sex (Talk dirty to me; Hung-Rite garage door) and violence (Natural cleansers; Close quickly). It’s safer to do your own dirty work – say bye UN piece cleaner, a laundromat in New York, NY.
-Of the 4 Sherwood Florists, only 1 is actually in a town called Sherwood (in Wisconsin).
– Florists are real cinephiles – our list alludes to Forrest Gump, Laurel and Hardy, The Lone Ranger and It’s a Wonderful Life.
– For the same reason, the Windy City suppliers of portable toilets are Hibernophile – Chicago has both Pot O’Gold and much less subtle LepreCAN.
Editor favorites:
Florists
Flowery and hardy (Oklahoma City, OK)
Fancy plants (Savannah, GA)
The lonely arranger (Ingleside, TX)
The petal pusher (Decatur, AL)
Cleaning, Housekeeping & Laundromats
Chimney sweep with ash wiping (Vernon Hills IL & St. Louis, MO)
Mr. Smarty colors (Austin, TX)
Tree musketeers (San Antonio, Texas)
Sweet pea sewers & septic tank (Missoula, MT)
Portable bathroom
Call before (Broad Canal, NY)
LepreCAN (Chicago, Illinois)
The throne depot (Woburn, MA)
And here is the list of the other categories:
Cafes
Bar / pubs
Other (including retail stores, vape shops, and many thread stores)
Doctors and Dentists
Food truck
Animal care
Restaurants
Hair / nail salons
(Photo: Olivia)
And here is the full list.
Florists:
| Bokay Florist | |||||
| Enchanted florist | |||||
| Eufloria flowers | |||||
| Unusual plants | |||||
| Flowery and hardy | |||||
| Florist Gump | |||||
| Flower herb | |||||
| Flowers for the people | |||||
| Rhythm and blossoms | |||||
| Sherwood Florist |
|
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| The enchanted florist | |||||
| The lonely arranger | |||||
| The perennial gardener | |||||
| The petal pusher | |||||
| Plus petals |
Portable toilets:
| A royal flush | |
| A Royal Flush, Inc. | |
| Call before | |
| Gaz-Bah mini shop | |
| Jackpot refurbishment | |
| LepreCAN | |
| Pot of Gold | |
| The Butt Hut Comfort Stations | |
| The throne depot |
Cleaning services:
| Chimney sweep with ash wiping | |
| Aschewischer Chimney Sweep Inc. | |
| College hunks haul junk | |
| Heavenly scent | |
| Hung-Rite garage door | |
| Mr. Smarty Paints | |
| Natural cleaners | |
| Close quickly | |
| Spokane House of Pants | |
| Wide beauty | |
| Sweet pea sewers & septic tank | |
| Talk to me dirty | |
| Tree musketeers | |
| UN piece cleaner | |
| Wash that | |
| We wash it |
