Transferring in together with your accomplice? Speaking about these 3 issues first can {smooth} the best way, in accordance with a {couples} therapist

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(THE TALK) Partners who live together typically arrive at this important point in their relationship in one of two ways — what some clinicians refer to as “sliding versus deciding.” Moving in together can happen without much thought or it can be well thought out and planned.

Some couples may see living together as a test of future marriage. For others, marriage is not a goal, so living together can be the ultimate expression of their commitment.

I have been a relationship therapist and researcher specializing in intimate relationships for over 25 years. Based on my research and clinical experience, I recommend couples discuss the importance of sharing a home before combining households. This gives partners the opportunity to set realistic expectations, negotiate budget roles and practice their communication.

My colleagues and I have developed a list of topics that partners should talk about before moving in together – or even after, when the moving boxes are already unpacked. These topics are divided into three main categories.

1. Expectations

Why do you want to move in together? what is the purpose Will it lead to marriage? Many relationships struggle with the intersection of reality and expectation.

Clients tell me that their expectations of cohabitation often depend on what they grew up with – for example, “My mother ate dinner at 6 p.m. every night, I expect the same from my partner.” Expectations also extend to intimacy, such as B. “Now that we share a bed, we can have sex all the time.”

Conversations about what this bonding phase means for the relationship and how it affects each individual’s identity are part of this negotiation. Is moving in together “practice” for marriage? Are we moving to one of our current locations or are we looking for a new home together? How will we divide household finances? How often will we be intimate? Can we get a pet?

Understanding what will and won’t change will help ease that transition and create space for conversations about the essentials of living together.

2. Household roles

When people leave their childhood homes, the household rules they grew up with—both the ones they liked and the ones they hated—tend along with them.

It’s important for couples to talk about how they plan to do everyday chores like dishes, trash, cooking, cleaning, and so on. My colleagues and I encourage couples to begin these conversations by naming their strengths. If you enjoy grocery shopping but don’t like cooking, offer to do what you prefer first. Discuss the different needs of your household—including finances, pets, children, cars, and so on—and try to find a balance in sharing responsibilities.

During these negotiations, remember to consider each person’s obligations outside the home. For example, if a person stays at home or is free in the summer, take this into account when determining the balance.

I once worked with a couple where one partner wanted their spouse to be “less of an asshole.” As we dug a little deeper, she really wanted him to vacuum. As they continued to speak, they began to understand that their household rules were neither balanced nor accommodating to the fluctuations in their lifestyles, family needs, and work demands.

3. Communication

Perhaps the most important conversation to have is actually about communication. How responsive do I expect my partner to be when I text them? How do I tell them I really need some time to myself? When can I talk to them about my changing needs?

This can be an excellent time to turn to a couple and family therapist to help resolve some of these issues. Often times, the hurtful comments people make to each other are really about expectations, fear, and fear of the unknown. Talking about the best way to identify and meet your partner’s needs and concerns invites collaboration and unity, which ultimately strengthens the relationship.

People and relationships change over time. Everyone is shaped by their own life experiences, one of which can be moving in with a partner. Communication and empathy are crucial as expectations change and evolve. This continues to be true as couples go through transitions throughout their lives.

Big things like moving, graduating, getting a new job, and having kids, as well as small things like choosing a TV show or trying a new recipe are all important topics to talk about. Developing good communication skills can serve as a foundation for managing the trials and tribulations that relationships bring.

And it’s never too late to have those conversations — even if you’re already living together.

This article was republished by The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article here: https://theconversation.com/moving-in-with-your-partner-talking-about-these-3-things-first-can-smooth-the-way-according-to-a- Couple Therapist-194226.