No fries with that: An artist’s information to surviving whereas consuming on the street

Congratulations. All the hard work, sleepless nights, and re-submitting your paperwork has finally paid off.

And now people in states and cities very different from where you live will be lining up to see you speak, tell jokes, and read from your transformative work. But here’s the catch: in order to perform at your best, you have to come on stage in the best of health.

With that in mind, I’m going to teach you how to eat on the go so you don’t die before you get to the stage — or have to read to an audience whose guts have you farting uncontrollably.

A long time ago, when my career was still in its infancy, I almost died of spitting on stage. I did that and survived, so you didn’t either.

“D, you’re awake!” Mr. James said, “C’mon boy, they’re waiting for you.”

“They” were 250 Bay Area teenagers. My first book, The Beast Side, just hit the New York Times bestseller list — and this gig turned my modest three-city tour into a whopping eight states, with a few paid gigs and a fresh-air feature with Terry Gross . Then a woman who worked in the San Francisco mayor’s office heard the Fresh Air interview and forwarded it to Mr. James. Three weeks later, I am presenting my work to a diverse group of Mr. James students who have read, studied, and loved The Beast Side.

“It’s all right, D,” said Mr. James. “Do you need something?”

“I’m fine, gijifijkwwndbdwnb!” I chopped as a mint green “Exorcist”-esque liquid squirted out of my mouth into a wastebasket. Mr James, now standing in the doorway behind me, said, “Man, what the hell!”

“I’m fine, I’m fine, let me start this mouthwash real quick,” I said, wiping the mucus off my face with a napkin. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”

“I can’t let the kids down, but more importantly, I’ve cashed your deposit — and I’m not giving a refund.”

“Oh damn no, your eyes are all grey,” Mr. James pushed back, grabbing my arm and throwing me into a chair. “You can’t go on.”

“But Mr. James,” I said, getting up slowly, “I have to go, I can’t let the kids down, but more importantly, I’ve cashed your deposit – and I’m not giving a refund.”

With that, I spat out what was left in my stomach and rinsed out what was left with water and more mouthwash. Then I went on stage and earned my money.

The event went well, my jokes caught on and the pressure to sell books eased as Mr James’ organization had already bought 300 copies for the children and staff. And if I had any doubts about my performance, those were dispelled by Mr James’ immediate offer to invite me back. But what went wrong anyway? How could a perfectly rational person like me even remotely pull off a perfect performance?

Well, the first rookie mistake was alcohol. I went out for maybe a round or eight, which led me to look for some bar food (rookie mistake #2) to feed the booze. I’ve never been to San Francisco, and I thought I was Anthony Bourdain, so I ate whatever they put in my face. snails? Secure. Tatar from an unidentifiable animal? Sure, West African elephant sliders? Secure. Unwrapped chicken wings and lobster eyeballs? Sure, sure, sure, sure. The problem is that Bourdain was paid to eat lobster eyeballs while D. Watkins was paid to be able to read and write. The filthy combination of everything coalesced into one giant germ inside me, causing me to annoy myself – in addition to Mr James and the rest of the internal staff. Never again.

I love a good cocktail like everyone else. Especially in a new city, but that’s bad for business. First of all, alcohol is poison and has two purposes: to distract you from what is important and to draw your attention to the aforementioned bar food.

I don’t know how bar food is made. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if they rubbed the wings, the french fries, the pathetic vegetables they call “side salads,” and whatever scraper they had on the feces-covered kitchen floor before force-feeding the drunk. I’ve never eaten bar food before and then I woke up in the morning and said, “I’m excited to inspire 250 teenagers.”

I’m not a total quadratic. You can party along the way, but you must do it after all events, book signings, and dinners with faculty and staff have concluded. And if you’re lucky enough to be on a multi-city tour, don’t celebrate until your performances, readings and dinners with promoters and/or staff are over.

“The excitement of someone outside of Baltimore wanting to hear from me threw me out of character and made me eat crazy, but unfortunately the intense nausea and uncontrollable farts brought me back.”

My old self would never have been sick before coming on stage. I suffer from major trust issues, to the point that I would never eat at someone’s house, or whip up a blunt, or take a bite out of someone else’s plate because I thought someone and everyone would try to kill me . I know this is extremely unhealthy. However, if you want to stay healthy on tour, you have to adopt this mentality.

The organizers, the fan who baked you fresh cookies, and the professor from the fancy college who keeps saying, “Please take a sip of my extra dirty martini” — they’re all trying to kill you. Throw the freshly baked cookies in the trash as soon as the fan is out of sight because they are no good.

The excitement of someone outside of Baltimore wanting to hear from me threw me out of character and made me eat crazy, but alas, the intense nausea and uncontrollable farts brought me back. And I realized that the purpose is to do great work, to be entertaining, to be fun, and to be engaging, and that it takes a clear head to achieve those goals. Luckily I survived and San Francisco was good but it could have been great. The goal is always great.

So what do you eat and drink and what should you avoid?

Before we start the list, I recommend washing your hands at least 100 times a day. This may sound extreme, but I haven’t had a cold since Bush’s first presidency. Maybe I did, but I got over it so quickly I can’t remember because I wash my hands until my skin hurts and peels and falls off.

I know it sounds crazy, but we’re all adults here. We know coffee sends you to the bathroom 10,000 times a day — and bathrooms you don’t clean yourself are full of hundreds of thousands of germs that are making you sick and potentially preventing you from performing well.

To drink tea. Tea works, especially if you can order a cup of hot water and tear the wrapper off the tea bag yourself. This way no one touches the tea bag but you and you are safe as we know you have washed your hands more than often.

Fast food places are notoriously dirty. It should be called fast food because it makes you sick quickly. However, if you absolutely must eat at a fast food place because that’s the only option, see if they sell fruit or packaged produce. Bananas and oranges are the best because you have to peel them, which means you’re the only person touching them, and again, we know you’re clean because you wash your hands. Packaged salads work too, so if you’re at risk of eating withered, gross GM vegetables, you know they’ve been cleaned and sealed.

I would never recommend Starbucks for anything. However, they have locations in most cities and typically offer a selection of pre-packaged veggies and healthy chips.

The boiled egg, the boiled egg, the boiled egg—the boiled egg is king, queen, Beyoncé. The boiled egg is Beyoncé. It’s packed with protein, you can easily pop out the yolk and call yourself healthy, you can soft-boil it and call yourself fancy, and most importantly – most places do it with the shell, meaning you’re the only one is person touching it.

It is extremely important that you are the only person touching your food. I wish I had a long list of options to try, but I don’t. Our careers are delicate and the opportunity to showcase our work in front of strangers is truly a blessing. We don’t want to miss these opportunities because we had to try these St. Tacos at the stand down the street, with no plumbing — meaning you and the person who made that delicious street taco have nowhere to go can wash your hands.

Take pictures, drink as much as you like and explore the area when you’re on vacation and not working on the road. Because if you fail an event, that organizer will tell other organizers and you may not be re-booked.

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