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Everyone poops… I read that somewhere. Of course, that also means that everyone has to clean up afterwards and no matter whether you swipe to the right or to the left, you don’t get everything from a purely mathematical point of view.
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Mankind has been trying to solve the remaining post-Dookie problem since records began. The ancient Greeks used potsherds (I still don’t understand how that worked or why they didn’t take fig leaves into account). The Romans were quite adept at devising a sponge attached to a stick (but it was communal, which perhaps hastened the fall). (Their civilization.) In the 13 Colonies era, some used discarded corn cobs. (WTF?) Eventually, North America “discovered” the paper solution, something the Chinese figured out no later than the 14th century.
Enter the bidet. In 17th-century France, a true genius decided to combine the chamber pot with a sink set into a stool. Who knows why this took so long. Finally, a pump was added to spray upwards, which was improved with the advent of plumbing – a real game changer.
I’m not sure if it was my first encounter with a bidet, but I remember seeing Crocodile Dundee at the theater and wondering why we didn’t have one at home. Looking back, the bathrooms in the house I lived in at the time were too small to accommodate a bidet and toilet. At some point during my college days, my mother was renovating a bathroom and insisted on adding a bidet.
It was wonderful! My solution has always been to follow the general sequence of events—shit, shower, decide not to shave. But now I could drop a twosome without having to undress and cum, which is time consuming and not always possible when traveling the world. As I write this, I’m pinching bread in the United lounge at San Francisco International Airport after an early morning transcontinental flight. The TP was rubbish and I’m not exactly feeling fresh.
The story goes on
I would have much rather floated a trout at home, which has a TOTO Washlet bidet toilet seat, but I had to catch a cab before 5am and wasn’t ready yet. If nature had called, I could have enjoyed a bootie spray with an almost magical spray that allows me to adjust the pressure and temperature to my liking. Because it mounts to the toilet, it takes up less space than a traditional bidet and I can stay on the heated seat when it’s time to wipe up. With four settings, I can be comfortable in a place so beautiful it tempts me to snag a spot, even if it’s just a number one spot.
While you sit on your throne, an air deodorizer switches on automatically and the TOTO creates a pre-mist to avoid slip marks on porcelain. When you’re done, there’s a hair dryer at your disposal, so in theory you’d never need toilet paper again. It’s nice to have on hand, however, in case you want to double-check the TOTO’s work.
The maintenance effort is minimal. The spray wand actually cleans itself and the seat has a quick release buckle so you can scrub underneath with ease. But one of the coolest features is the energy-saving mode, which learns your behavior and heats the seat when it anticipates you need to make room for lunch.
Using a bidet seat not only makes life as a mammal more comfortable, it also has health benefits. The process flushes bacteria away from your naughty spots, which can prevent infections like bacterial prostatitis or urinary tract infections.
The warm jet of water from a bidet seat is also good for your home’s plumbing, as it minimizes the use of toilet paper and eliminates the need for wet wipes that strain down the pipes.
Honestly, a bidet seat is an incredible, relatively inexpensive life improvement that will make cleaning your tuchus easier. If I could I would put one in every bathroom on the planet. Unfortunately, I don’t have that power. If you choose one, remember: the need to clear after doo may go away, but if you want the log to go away, you still need to flush.
C2 Washlet electric heated bidet seat against a white background
C2 Washlet electric heated bidet toilet seat for extended toilet in cotton white
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